Back (For now?)

A couple years have passed since my last post. Not that anyone has noticed...

I decided to give it a whirl today. Let's see if I can drum up anything funny.

It's Summer

What time is it? Let this guy break it down for you...

Pieces Of Flair

I simply cannot decide whether or not this guy is serious. He either took the spirit of the "pieces of flair" restaurant manager from Office Space and ran with it in a beautiful way, or he really has a blonde mullet, a horrible taste in music and enough money to hire massage parlor girls to pretend that they can't live without him.

Bonus: Canadian



If you want more (or better yet can't stand the thought of more)....here's more:

I want to talk about your flair

Come Back Later To Attempt To Commit A Crime

For all of you technology snobs. Do NOT throw away your CD player from 1997.

It may save your life or the life of your wife at home. In fact, keep that thing within arm's reach of the front door. You NEVER know when a bad actor with a huge kitchen knife and a gigantic ream of keys may stroll up to your front door in the middle of the day to do some rapin'.

Turns out, you only need to let him hear that your apparently-out-of-work-pissed-off-brother-that-is-at-your-house-on-a-weekday-catching-a-nap is frustrated at the notion that somebody woke him up with a knock.

"Come back later". Perhaps the writers could come up with a scenario where they suggest the murdering rapist never come back. I guess that's where they get you with the upsell.

"Buy the 'Never Come Back' anti-rape CD now!"

Clever marketing.

How You Feelin' Toronto!!?

This is one of my favorite internet finds in ages....

As evidenced by the fact that I haven't updated this damn blog in nearly a year. Well...here it is...the thing that made me come back.

What is it, you ask? Good question. The description completely underserves the reality.

Description: Paul Stanley of KISS talking to crowds in between songs
Reality: Today's rock stars are way too cool for this. I'm both thrilled and bummed at this truth.

Throwing Mechanics

Guy from Argentina makes short film showing dudes throwing rocks with their opposite hands.

Either that, or it's the South American tryout tape for the next Florida Gators QB. Either way, it's pretty funny.

Men Throwing Rocks With The Other Hand from Juan Etchegaray on Vimeo.

Three Buzzword Gem

Often times, the combination of 3 words in a title can make or break something. For instance, Vacation Bible School. (I stole this joke for the good of the argument). Those are 3 things that no kid really likes. And furthermore, you can't put any 2 of those words together and get excited...

School + Vacation
Vacation + Bible
Bible + School

Now let's take a look at the genius of this movie's title...

Computer Beach Party. All are winning combinations here.

Computer + Party - of course
Beach + Party - what are you, an A-HOLE?
Beach + Computer - it's a stretch for the 80's culture but I'll allow it here.

Bonus points - we get to go backwards in time and make fun of not only the fashion and haircuts of the past...but also of their stupid understanding of their lame Utopian Future.

The only other time I've observed such wizardry in nomenclature was a place in Acapulco called, "Sexy Club Gym". Didn't go in but I'll bet you 30 pesos and a Jarritos Grape drink that it kicked ass in every one of those categories and there wasn't a Bible or classroom to be found.



COMPUTER BEACH PARTY
(from Found Footage Festival)

Better Bring 1001 Knives To This Fight

Because I believe the internet has become an inside joke about a meme about an inside joke...I believe this might be a fake video. Because I also realize that the dumbest people procreate and make smaller, younger dumb people that voraciously consume pop culture and mimic horrible behavior without awareness that it's horrible...I believe this may be real. Either way, Krispy Kreme has made out with a female that you know. Yeah...maybe even your mom. And also...yes, I do believe that may be a snot trail running down into his wispy mustache. But look man...don't underestimate him just because he ain't "vurry tawll." That would be a mistake.

Cuatro De Mayo Turd Taco

If by chance, you are coming to the end of a long week wherein, yet again, you had to navigate the usual turd infested waters in the sea of humanity surrounding you...I have good news. Some of them record themselves on video for people to (unintentionally) laugh at years later. Guess what...? Today is years later for the class of yesterday's turds. Do it for the "you" of yesterday. Or at least watch because these old crappy videos are pretty funny. I WANNA PIZZA!!...to crush your f*cking soul... more recent but with extra goodness. karma clown says, "wait for it". Roughly translated to English from his native tongue of Doosh-B'AHG...the word UZZY is slang for "thud".

Sticky Buddy

I wish this was the real commercial for the Sticky Buddy.

Time for Drama

This is a great idea with terrific execution.

Meow and the Art of Motorcycle Riding

What is the meaning of life? What does it all mean? This video may be the purest polar opposite to truth seeking available online. That...or perhaps it is the window to your very soul. Another nugget from everythingisterrible.com

Tumbling Hilljack

This is an old video. You may have seen it. It's worth another look. My rule has always been, "did it make me laugh?". Well...it's a series of bloopers starring a rhubarb fisherman in a Tennessee hat repeatedly taking awkward fartknockers into dirty lakes....so YES...it made me laugh. If it doesn't make you laugh then you are a rhubarb fisherman lover and deserve to go through life not laughing. Go Dogs.

Found Footage

I have nothing of substance to add to any of the following videos other than I found them on a site called, "found footage festival". A friend brought the site to my attention and I'm borderline obsessed. One cannot properly prepare oneself for the madness found therein...

http://foundfootagefest.com/

here are a couple of my favorites:

In case you haven't worked in "Corporate America"...here's a great video to show you what not to say...


In the event that Jesus Cristo...or Tim Tebow...have not yet awakened your inner spirit, give this a look.


Are you still there...?

Want to laugh and feel really guilty at the same time? Great! We've got this one ready for you. In fact...it may hypnotize you...

No word on whether or not the creator of this video still enjoys freedom from correctional captivity.

Totally SFW but the creep-o-meter needle is pegged (and bending) on 10.

Karate Chop Rap to the Angels

Is there anything better than the fish-out-of-water-tongue-in-cheek musical concept hastily created and horribly executed by talentless hacks dressed in karate garb? My initial response would be, "yes...a swift kick in the groin would be better."...But then I happened upon this masterpiece. You must truly employ the patience of a monk to muddle through it. Only then will its true inner greatness reveal itself to you. Go now, weedhopper. Meditate on this visual turd and let it whisper to you from beyond the ages the true nature of its power.



Like many things from the late 80's, this music video from Slaughter was not intended to be funny, mocked, or ironic...yet it is inherently doomed in that it rides the wave of contemporary cool from the time in which it was forced to be born unto this world...In other words....the height of 80's cool is the low point (and ironically high point) of today's culture. And therefore we mock it with glee. Tada!

Epic location? Check. Limo? Check. Band running through screaming fans? Check. Pretty hair? Check.

I especially appreciate the inexplicably wet floor in the hangar. I would actually love to direct a shot-for-shot remake of this video featuring a good band from today. Stick It To Ya!!

A Good Rule of Thumb

When I was young my father warned me against a couple of things. One of them was that you shouldn't go looking for trouble. The other is that you shouldn't mess with anyone that has less to lose than you do.

My father also knew that there was a low chance that I would become a frontiersman and ride around on a badass buffalo and shoot things.

In that case...the rule of thumb would have been...seek trouble and cause it where you don't initially find it. You're on a buffalo for Christ's sake. Don't be such a Nancy boy...punch a cougar if you feel like it. A real cougar. Not the 40 year old skanky chick at the bar.

Activision Ruined You

I typically don't go for video rants. It has been done.

Once in a great while, however, mock rage seems to turn into real rage and the dumber the subject the better the rant.

This dude starts off sorta under control but gets really worked up.

That Was Awe-Some

The salute is good. The grenade is better. The crowd response is the best.

He Gives Not One Chainsaw

How To Hit A Moving Target

How do you know you are in for an epic death scene? *Spoiler Alert*....not even the blow up doll is safe.

DO NOT mess with cheesy douchebags in a jeep driving erratically on a lame dead end road in what appears to be Hawaii if you are armed only with a modified subaru car/truck, a skateboard, a meth dealing friend and a tucked in pastel-striped shirt. That's just bad guy 101, isn't it?